Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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