sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
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