sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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