Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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