And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Don't EVER smell your tampon
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
