True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We had to coat check the pizza.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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