just come out here and I will go home with you...
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
