There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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