There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I need to align my fucking chakras
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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