Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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