I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
