I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
