That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
