Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
