I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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