i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
