That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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