Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
