Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
