Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
