the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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