think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
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