you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
