so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
