3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
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