1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
