OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
