I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
