He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
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