he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You have to summon your inner elephant
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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