They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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