recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
