btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
