Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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