happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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