Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Randomize
