Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize