FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
