I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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