Heybabeimwearingurpanties
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
