I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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