Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
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My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
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But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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