ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
