how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
