so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
