I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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