can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
