what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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