Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
