Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
