someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
