dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
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I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
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I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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