Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
