i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
