there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
