At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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