i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
